| just like carly simon said |
[December 8th 200709:32 pm] |
| [ | Noise - |
| | Lookout Records mix | ] |
Shit. Time fucking flies.
i want my calm life back.
I dont know what to do.
At all.
About anything. |
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| (no subject) |
[August 28th 200712:06 am] |
| [ | Noise - |
| | Some street punk tape. | ] |
Weve been circling this city, just blowing smoke into the stars.
Burning gas we dont have the money for to sing to parking lots.
They are all going back to school and i have this demented feeling of being proud of them while im still siting next to the radio with an empty bottle.
People leave. People stay. People lie about doing one or the other until you just wish theyd fucking do the former.
There are people i love but i cant fucking stand what theyve become.
Ive fucking moved on and i feel bad for anyone who still clings.
Im killing myself with running on no sleep, fast food, caffiene and cigarettes.
and somehow its more comforting and im more happy than i think i ever was.
I only wish i was moving a little forward.
Or at least MOVING.
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| (no subject) |
[August 5th 200705:50 pm] |
I dunno.
i was cleaning up after a chain smoking tattoo artist, who was actually teaching me how to do it.
ITs funny when youre happy and think things are falling into place but then you lose your job and with it...other shit.....
I thought maybe id get enough for a room in allston or something or at least some cash to travel ith for a while, i dont fucking know.
I know theres this fucked up hunger in me and even when i like my life i feel this ache for something else.
last night i was last minute spontaneoulsy invited to go to a show. it was at some tiny tiny place in haverhill and it was a band id been dying to see since i started listening to punk.
I had an amazing night and i remembered how beautiful life can be and how amazing i can feel, and that that is all i need for the rest of my life.
My old feeling and idiosyncratic mind is permanent i guess, ...I need to do whatever it takesfor me to be happy. By whatever means necessary.
Fucking....i feel worse then ive felt in a long time. I guess its a whirlwind of shit from realizing life just doesnt stay good for mre than 2 weeks, that im at the unconcious square miles back. Let downs left n right. From finally admitting to yourself that that fucked up feeling in your chest might actually be knowing what it feels like to need somebody, but the killer that youre never going to get it. finaled in just needing someone here, needing a beer, change, anything, but knowing none of its going to happen. That for anyone to be here youd have to beg. |
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| (no subject) |
[June 15th 200705:26 pm] |
| [ | Mood - |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Noise - |
| | . The Pist | ] |
Me and Britt were watching lonely bastards, crackheads, and cars driving home in front of the gas station on Main.
Watching the train station and talking about life and our fucked up years.
"Ive lost so many fucking people kid, all ive got left is you 3 cats. I could look at it that way, or I could be amazed i have that much. That i have such good people around."
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| (no subject) |
[June 7th 200709:21 pm] |
| [ | Mood - |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Noise - |
| | Mischief Brew | ] |
Somehow Candi convinced me into going to school today.
Sounded like it would make her happy, so i did it.
I was in a genuinely good mood.I cant remember the last time i felt like that...
But i dont know. Like ive said no matter what you do and where you go there will alwys be someone who will do everything in thier power to push you down until your elbows scrape pavement to thier bones.
I had a long fucking walk to let the negative feelings fade off and learn that you have to realize that you can live your life in vain always succumbing to feeling like that, or you can live your life for yourself.
i got kicked out in the middle of goodbyes with smiles on thier faces.
"Its fucking MINDBLOWING how a single person can be so HUGE of an asshole."
By the end of it i let it go. I felt so much hate but i decided you can either let that shit swirl around your heart like smoke forever, letting yourself become as bitter and empy a person as the one who generated it in you...
That no matter where i go, and what i do, i will be more satisfied with what i am and what ive done than he could ever be. Even if im scraping by on couches and dumpstered bread, even if he gets a mansion,what fucking ever. No matter how blonde haired and blue eyed his family is. You can glare all you want into a frame, hoping it to break, or you can just see what you need to see in your own frames.
The pads of my feet hurt like fuck.
I talk about how i need to leave but never do it.
I talk about how before i do anything of the sort i need a job//some money, but i still havent gotten one.
I feel like somethings dying inside my chest. |
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| (no subject) |
[June 1st 200701:18 pm] |
| [ | Mood - |
| | Nostalig as fuck! | ] |
| [ | Noise - |
| | _Strychnine Babies | ] |
Its an indescribable feeling you cant know unless youve felt it.
I was looking over at that fucking misfit table in the corner. That lunch table was the only salvation from bullshit, the only smiles or minutes well spent in the wasted years of my life.
It played all these amazing flashbacks in my mind that never came up until now.
I looked at the gummi bear like 20 feet up on the wall.
I was walking on the stage and thinking of how long ago when me and Britt were laying on it singing.
I went in the bathroom near the caff, permanently marinaded in years of smoke. spent more time in than actual classes. The one with stupid little memories skipping drawing on the walls with Britt. Right down to the day me and Dice got back to talking, sitting on that ashy floor. I remember that day i felt like no matter what shit would never be the same agian, but its fucked how things end up.
I felt like is all cheesy bullshit but i just pictured our fuckup crew on graduation day and it made me smile. How obnoxiously wed yell for everyone in a pourposely cheesy way. How afterwards i just pictured us in a weird group laughing like all these other fucking assholes. How afterwards wed hop in Skeezys car and get fast food then go get annihilated in my basement or sprawled on the grass at the skatepark bottle in both hands. "Why arent you guys singing with me?"
I know im going to be so out of touch with the only people ive ever felt like i had touch with in the first place.... |
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